New Economic Plan

Some Recommendations for Efficiency

Hi! Oy!

My name is Frank. I landed on Earth with the purpose of learning about your planet and its inhabitants. I was charged with filing a report with COIS (Court of Intergalactic Sanity). I was chosen because of my “frankness”. COIS will make a determination.

I have really loved some of my time here. It’s a beautiful place, for now. But you are making a mess of your Home and your systems are mystifying. My report has some suggestions to improve your economic efficiency.

I have been here for over 70 years and now I am overdue to file my report before I return to HP-80xl - which I miss terribly. Life is so much simpler there. There are challenges, but my folks always stick together to find the solutions. We share. We love. We honor our homes. Some of us vacation on a neighboring planet with better beaches and warmer waters. Government shuttles run regularly. I try to book a suite with a good view of nebulae.

Anyway, The Earth Report has three major sections or chapters.

The first is titled “Greedy Bastards”.
My report concludes that you humans seem to create “waste, fraud and abuse” because of the greed of a few. The vast majority of you live in really uncomfortable circumstances without obvious basics like good water and adequate food. A few ridiculously rich guys sail around in super boats with all the trappings of a city - while your brothers and sisters beg for a bag of flour. This is really odd. There are 4000 religions on the planet. Most of them don’t teach hoarding or deliberate starvation of your fellow travelers. This is just weird. And not very nice. And not very efficient. Who came up with this idea?

The second chapter is called WCTI - “Who Created THIS Idiocy”?
The report concludes that you have invented the most astoundingly wasteful problem solving process I have witnessed in all my galactic travels (And I have been everywhere, man).

You call that process WAR. Which I think should be short for Wacky Abandonment of Reason. In my detailed presentation to be released on July 4th (an important date for some) I will provide evidence that there is a cheaper, more efficient and incredibly easier path. I call it “&(*%=+”. In your language it would be spelled “PEACE”.

WAR is expensive! And it is a lot of work. I haven’t discovered anything yet about human behavior that can explain the benefits of bombing and torturing and raping and plundering and imprisoning and causing children to suffer trauma forever.

I strongly recommend Peace instead.

The third section of my report is titled: “YHTBFKM” or “You Have To Be Fucking Kidding Me”. Hoarding and bombing are really bad. But this thing you politely call “Climate Change” is the most bizarre and diabolical self destructive behavior I have seen in my close to a million years (the way you count) of floating about the Universe. In galaxy after galaxy I have never observed anything more bizarre than literally cooking your own home.

It’s bad enough that you created a nasty thing called plastics and are about to replace your brains with computers. But rapidly changing the temperature of a planet is not in any manual I’ve ever read. As your Earth heats up, a lot of hungry people will need to migrate to cooler countries. And there will be more floods, storms, fires and frogs falling out of the sky. What’s the plan here, humans? You might want to rethink this situation - soon.

Well, I need to get ready to launch for home. So much to pack. I bet the kids have grown a lot. I hear they are already spawning nicely. Can’t wait to give them a slimy hug!

But first, I have a meeting scheduled with the Flying Spaghetti Monster on HR-47pp. He has promised to explain why he created the Universe and all its really odd difficulties. I think he hinted at an apology. We’ll see. If it goes well, I’ll ship a video of it to Scott Pelley as potential material for a 60 Minutes episode. He can end with a “big bang” before the Oligarchs give him the boot.

To recap:
Sharing can be fun and satisfying. AND, you will please whoever or whatever you worship. All the “gods” in the sky will applaud and maybe divert that big asteroid headed your way.

Peace is better than war. It easier, less messy and it is CHEAPER. You could use the money to feed your elders and kids. Adopt more rescue dogs! And put a pool in your backyard (for exercise purposes, of course).

Boiling the seas and lakes has some irritating side effects - like the collapse of the planet’s ecosystem - which, by the way, is the source of your food. Just sayin…

OK, everybody now. A simple way to begin is for people to gather around a fire or in a pub or at a Moose Lodge to enjoy this song. John had it figured out. (A future Earth Report will be about guns).

So do it! Share! Save money! Save lives! Get benefits accordingly. Peace is more fun. There is no Planet B for you. I know. I have been looking…
I mean really, Earthlings.

Send me a signal when it is safe to return and celebrate with you.
Good luck and all the best,
Frank